So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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