yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
