Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
