This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
