I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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