Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
