your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
