Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
