Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
my liver is dry heaving
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
