Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
