What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize