Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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