High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
