It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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