Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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