i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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