guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Everyone says I win the strip club
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
