So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Randomize
