it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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