Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
