i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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