in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
