You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
