at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
