fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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