I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
