Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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