The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
