If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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