I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
