She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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