This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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