You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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