either way he was missing a nipple.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
