DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
