Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
