I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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