at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
