I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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