what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
