I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
...so i touched it.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize