C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
