D3 body, D1 cock
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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