I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
