I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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