i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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