She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize