this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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