Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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