I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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