all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
