....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
