when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
