legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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