Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
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