I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
