im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
