My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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