I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
