the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
