I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
