Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
